Hi,
I don't know how to write this really in Chinese to convey my real emotions so I'm writing it in English. I met someone recently and I'm instantly infatuated with them because I find them really interesting and intriguing and I want to get to know them more. Of course they have to be way older than I am (10 years difference) and some other things. They offered to help me with my chinese which I am very thankful for because I really need to practice with someone who speaks it but thus far we have only been able to have one lesson. Yesterday would have been the second but we were a bit busy (well more like she was busy and I was just walking around doing nothing). They did offer to come visit brooklyn (or really i take her here) and I was instantly excited because I'd really like to do so but as soon as I ask my mom she claims she has some stupid things to do that have nothing to do with me.
I was instantly upset because whenever I want to do something with someone my mom finds something to block me from doing so. I wrote this last night before I went to bed crying:
"I always feel like hating life when my happiness always seems to get squashed in favor of being tied into some family responsibility that i dont think is fair. and its not like washing dishes or something like that, but busy having to be some caretaker. Ann couldn’t come to school today to do the tutoring so she suggested that maybe tomorrow i could take her to see some things in brooklyn, which I would have really liked to have done but the minute I ask mom for permission its all ooo well i was planning to go to the post office and the bank, you know i don’t have money (and my response to that is: i don’t need money to go see her and have fun) and then she’s like blah blah blah responsibilities and i think its total bullshit because she’s the one not being responsible with her money, she just spends it left and right not thinking about tomorrow or being sensible and so when i get to actually maybe sorta kinda go on a date thing (or you know see a friend and do something with them), i have to be some older child forced into having to help the family. This happened last semester when a friend wanted to go eat something as simple as fries together and of course suddenly mom is like oh well im ready to go home and because i can’t go home alone i couldn’t eat with the friend and since then that friend has not asked me to eat with them because they know that mom is probably going to figure out a way to come inbetween or make sure its cancelled. its times like this where i really question why am i living? this doesn’t feel like life, id like to at least have some fun time for myself in the outside world, instead there’s always some barrier and then i have to see all the people on facebook and twitter and everywhere having fun with all their friends and im at my desk alone, trying to burn my brain away by studying so i don’t feel anything else. sorry for the long message i had to say it to someone. these days i less and less want to talk to people about it, i just try to bottle it up or leave it somewhere no one will see because i feel like a burden to everyone or some freak or crazy person that people just pity or whatever."
I got in bed at 9pm upset and fell asleep and woke up around 11:30pm. I stayed in my room sitting in the dark just thinking. I wasn't as upset before but still pretty upset. I told my sister this morning that yesterday I got offered 3 different invitations to do something with 3 different people, all of which I would love to do but I know that my mother is going to find an excuse to not let me go. So what does that mean for when I want to go looking for love or something do I have to say no and continue being alone because she's going to get in my way? I feel so lonely so I'm always so happy when someone wants to spend time with me and I'm extremely saddened when I'm unable to because who honestly knows when the next time will be when someone wants to do something with me again. Once people hear me say no a few times they stop asking me out and they start drifting away so I'm just usually behind my computer either studying, doing nothing and letting my brain rot or watching porn because that is as near as stimulation I'm going to get in that department. I feel embarrassed and almost ashamed. I rarely feel like I really live. I just thought what if I just made my jail cell into a virtual reality of the life I would like to have but I feel that would just show how even more crazy I am and I don't want to do that. Last night I thought about drinking once everyone went to bed. I miss getting drunk sometimes. I didn't drink though, I stayed in my bed feeling dumb. I feel like she probably hates me or thinks I'm crazy because she's this super cool adult person I'm some stupid kid who's mom is some crazy person monster masquarading behind old people kindness. Which is never fair because I feel she puts on an act around other people but when we're home its this whole different thing. I could never resort to murder or really putting a sleeping pill in her cup but sometimes I do think of doing that but it would be awful to do so.
About one of the invitations: I met a guy on QQ and he's about 4 years older than I am and lives in Queens. He's shown interest in meeting me in person and I was a bit nervous but I could tell he wasn't a crazy murderer so he came to my school yesterday and we sat and chatted for a bit. He's actually a bit cute and nice in person (online sometimes he comes off as a nitpicky know-it-all). We had a nice chat and he gave me some tea from his hometown (it's oolong tea). I walked him to the bus stop and he went off to his school. He later texted me that he had fun and would like to do dinner sometime. I said I would too but in my heart I know to get my mother to agree would be very difficult unless she show up and sit in the restaurant in a different area...which might be something I suggest. But then that means my sister would have to come too and she's the one who is an undergraduate so she has more homework to do than I do which is why it makes things so difficult because mom would tear her away from her studies just so she could chaperone me at this dinner outing.
The other invitation was from Krystan. She asked if I was free last night, and I pretty much was but I knew there was no way in hell mom would allow me to go so I said that I was unfortunately not free, so Krystan said maybe next time.
Then the last one which I thought I'd be able to at least do was the one from the girl I was mentioning earlier and the minute I suggest it, mom starts with her bs about ay ay ay survival and blah blah blah. So I told ann that I couldn't do it and that I was sorry. (which I really am). She said its no problem but to me it is a problem because why should I have to be held back so much, why can't I just live my own life?
I feel like I bother her too much so I'm not going to send her any more diary entries and I'm going to stop sending her texts. She said she is busy with her studies and whatever else she does and I feel like I'm a hindrance to her so even though it pains me I'm just going to keep my distance. I don't know what I'm going to do when I see her in class probably not say much which I already do with another person I know in there. I'm just gonna be alone or something, or whatever it takes so that I cannot bother people or be some weirdo to them.
I feel like running away and never turning back and becoming a completely different person.
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