Late last night my sister was still outside. For the past 3 days she has been going out and not coming back until late at night. She knows that this upsets my mother and causes her to not be able to sleep (which then means I can't sleep because at times my mother will need help walking back and forth from the kitchen to the bathroom). This frustrates me extremely because I do not understand why my sister continues to act this way, so selfishly. I began to get angry. I wanted to break something so I tried to lay down but that didn't help because I continued to feel unsettled. I was on weibo talking with someone and even though I said I dont want to go on qq she kept saying its more convenient to chat on qq so I logged in. We chatted for a bit and her general happiness and warmth made me feel a bit more calm and happy. The subject of my love life came up and I chose not to lie about it. Unfortunately (I suppose, I'm not sure) she highly opposes gay people from living their lives in truth, opposes them being together and wanting to have families together, because in her mind she feels that they will essentially bring the end of the world (as they do not promote society). This of course saddened me to hear because here I thought I found a nice friend and made my usual mistake of forgetting not a lot of Chinese people enjoy entertaining the idea that gay people are really just people and we do not spell out the end of the world as well as spelling out the destruction of all that is "holy" with the world. (Mind you, straight people are doing that just fine by themselves). Although I had already mentioned I have no interest in men or dating them (because I'm gay and all that) she continued to ask me why do I not have a boyfriend. I find some people don't seem to think about what they say or look at a bigger picture. If I had told her "why don't you date a girl" "why aren't you romantically involved with a girl" (even though I know you like boys···with this I try to point out to the fact that it's weird to ask someone this knowing that your feelings don't lead you to date someone that you don't feel attracted to in that way) but she still didn't understand. She just kept giving me "advice" saying I should become involved with a man etc. Although I do understand a lot of people feel they must go against how they feel inside (im just talking about gay feelings, not like being a pedophile or something dumb like that) because their family, their society speaks against it and condemns it maybe not just with religious boundaries but also like death, so I could understand someone in that situation feeling that they have to "blend in" by hiding and lying about who they really are but I feel I don't have to. Although I know my mother doesn't approve of homosexuals and transgenders etc., if the time came and I found someone that I really loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I would tell my mother (if she is still living...sometimes I'm not sure if I'll ever find the right person or not, but that's a different story). I can't live my life forcing people to change their opinions about things like this, but I wish people would think before they opened their mouth at times and realized how silly some of the things sounded. But maybe since we are young there is time to grow and mature and develope new opinions (as I noticed once with a male friend from school, he too is gay and once I was telling him how someday I do look forward to marriage and marrying someone I really love, he then said he doesn't believe gay people should get married because of the literal meaning of the word marraige. Although I didn't agree with him, I just said ok and left it alone. 2 years later we happened to be talking again about this and he said he was planning his dream wedding···he wants to be dressed in a full Japanese traditional marriage outfit, the hakama etc. And I replied with, aren't you the same person who said you weren't ever going to get married because gay people can't get married? And he said yes but through time and thinking things changed. So people have chances to develope and evolve I suppose.) [This place doesn't have spell check so it's really making me work hard to catch my own spelling errors.
I know this is a cliched phrase: all talk but no action but I often come back to it lately as I've noticed I keep talking about what I want to do but have yet to do anything to actually make those things happen. Although peer pressure seemingly still exists at 22, I have to just continue to hold strong to my own feelings and keep my own goals in mind. A lot of people are around wanting to pull you off your path/your goals/your river/your whatever you call it but you have to be the one to walk with conviction and stay forward. I have a friend who's lifestyles doesn't always match up with mine (especially now so that I stopped drinking). But he often asks me when can we go for drinks and he knows I don't drink right now. Idk there's just a lot of stuff that I don't feel like paying attention to anymore. He live his life and I do my best to live mine.
I know what others want of me but I have to do my best to find my own way, to find the way that makes me happy. (Random ending, but I feel I am finished with what I had to say).
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