Savyna278的部落格

Today all I want to do is read some sutras and study them. 

Late last night my sister was still outside. For the past 3 days she has been going out and not coming back until late at night. She knows that this upsets my mother and causes her to not be able to sleep (which then means I can't sleep because at times my mother will need help walking back and forth from the kitchen to the bathroom). This frustrates me extremely because I do not understand why my sister continues to act this way, so selfishly. I began to get angry. I wanted to break something so I tried to lay down but that didn't help because I continued to feel unsettled. I was on weibo talking with someone and even though I said I dont want to go on qq she kept saying its more convenient to chat on qq so I logged in. We chatted for a bit and her general happiness and warmth made me feel a bit more calm and happy. The subject of my love life came up and I chose not to lie about it. Unfortunately (I suppose, I'm not sure) she highly opposes gay people from living their lives in truth, opposes them being together and wanting to have families together, because in her mind she feels that they will essentially bring the end of the world (as they do not promote society). This of course saddened me to hear because here I thought I found a nice friend and made my usual mistake of forgetting not a lot of Chinese people enjoy entertaining the idea that gay people are really just people and we do not spell out the end of the world as well as spelling out the destruction of all that is "holy" with the world. (Mind you, straight people are doing that just fine by themselves). Although I had already mentioned I have no interest in men or dating them (because I'm gay and all that) she continued to ask me why do I not have a boyfriend. I find some people don't seem to think about what they say or look at a bigger picture. If I had told her "why don't you date a girl" "why aren't you romantically involved with a girl" (even though I know you like boys···with this I try to point out to the fact that it's weird to ask someone this knowing that your feelings don't lead you to date someone that you don't feel attracted to in that way) but she still didn't understand. She just kept giving me "advice" saying I should become involved with a man etc. Although I do understand a lot of people feel they must go against how they feel inside (im just talking about gay feelings, not like being a pedophile or something dumb like that) because their family, their society speaks against it and condemns it maybe not just with religious boundaries but also like death, so I could understand someone in that situation feeling that they have to "blend in" by hiding and lying about who they really are but I feel I don't have to. Although I know my mother doesn't approve of homosexuals and transgenders etc., if the time came and I found someone that I really loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I would tell my mother (if she is still living...sometimes I'm not sure if I'll ever find the right person or not, but that's a different story). I can't live my life forcing people to change their opinions about things like this, but I wish people would think before they opened their mouth at times and realized how silly some of the things sounded. But maybe since we are young there is time to grow and mature and develope new opinions (as I noticed once with a male friend from school, he too is gay and once I was telling him how someday I do look forward to marriage and marrying someone I really love, he then said he doesn't believe gay people should get married because of the literal meaning of the word marraige. Although I didn't agree with him, I just said ok and left it alone. 2 years later we happened to be talking again about this and he said he was planning his dream wedding···he wants to be dressed in a full Japanese traditional marriage outfit, the hakama etc. And I replied with, aren't you the same person who said you weren't ever going to get married because gay people can't get married? And he said yes but through time and thinking things changed. So people have chances to develope and evolve I suppose.) [This place doesn't have spell check so it's really making me work hard to catch my own spelling errors. 

I know this is a cliched phrase: all talk but no action but I often come back to it lately as I've noticed I keep talking about what I want to do but have yet to do anything to actually make those things happen. Although peer pressure seemingly still exists at 22, I have to just continue to hold strong to my own feelings and keep my own goals in mind. A lot of people are around wanting to pull you off your path/your goals/your river/your whatever you call it but you have to be the one to walk with conviction and stay forward. I have a friend who's lifestyles doesn't always match up with mine (especially now so that I stopped drinking). But he often asks me when can we go for drinks and he knows I don't drink right now. Idk there's just a lot of stuff that I don't feel like paying attention to anymore. He live his life and I do my best to live mine. 

多雲，下大雪了。

昨天深夜不能睡覺，在心中我祗聽楊洋的名字。不知道她怎麼辦，好希望她很好，很開心。雖然差不多4天不登錄qq昨晚感覺應該登錄。看過她還不回應我。聊天一下跟最好的朋友，告訴她我在幹什麼。她說她最近很好。告訴朋友100天以後不會登錄，想集中作業等等。（現在臥室這麼冷，瑟縮）I felt so crazy last night. I kept tossing and turning and I kept calling her name and my heart was hurting so much and I wanted to cry but no tears came out. 還有我常常說罵人（because I was frustrated so I just kept lying there saying [curse word]).I dont know when but it was after 3:30am I fell asleep (I had been trying to sleep now since 11:45pm). I woke up at 6:38 and fed the cats, then I went back to sleep. 回到睡覺的時候有夢想，我看過她。挺開心。我們聯繫，玩，微笑。我準備給她擁抱可是妹妹睡醒我，說：外面看看以下，下雪了。回應：那我們應該cancel access a ride對吧？ 她：不知道祗想睡醒妳，妳看看以下然後decide. I just stared at her, she can't look outside and figure out if she needs to cancel the car or not? So I get out of bed and see all the snow so I get on the phone and am on hold for nearly 1 hour. Finally I got through and cancelled. 聽起來妹妹感冒，今早她spitting up so much mucus and coughing, I hope I don't get sick. 

嘿嘿，

今天我休息。我應該做功課和看書但只看電影和看小說。現在看旅行電視劇。看完我要做功課和練習中文。

嗨嗨寶寶們，嘻嘻

今天我先睡醒at早上6點鐘，但這麼早所以回到睡覺，我再睡醒早上6點58分。我玩了candy crush，我還在level65. 555 那個level真難。我準備去學校（應該穿衣服 嘻嘻，我只穿half way).

上午好，

嘿嘿痞客邦，最近好嗎? 我好思念你嘻嘻。上個博客更新我說這幾天我心情很鬱悶，有很大的疼痛。今早我可以說怎麼了(i can say what's going on).

親們，

好久不寫在這裡。 最近好麼？我越來越好。這幾星期我心情眞不好。我···哎呀，現在我心裡很累，我要睡覺。不想寫很多關於this whole stupid issue. also i had to take a break from qq. 

最近好嗎痞客邦？

我還沒有很多的朋友在痞客邦，所以我常常忘記上了，可是我想記得所以我可以繼續看懂繁體字。這幾月我上很多的大陸網站，當然他們喜歡用簡體字，嘻嘻嘻，所以我快快學怎麼看懂簡體字但我也快快忘記怎麼看懂繁體字，555.真的不是好。所以這幾天我又只寫繁體字，我要努力不會忘記。嘻嘻。

大家哈嘍，